clumsy and innocent; not the best things to be

Last night the boy brought up my intimacy issues and somehow he hit the nail on the head about my trust issues. he’s figuring me out.

so I apparently never make the first move, I’m too shy, I’m too clumsy, I’m too innocent, I don’t talk enough, I laugh at inappropriate times, I sigh at certain times and the never say anything, I’m weird and strange, I’m hard to understand, I’m inexperienced, I do one thing but mean the complete opposite, I give out mixed signals, I’m not confident enough.

I’m trying to slowly change but it’s taking time, I’ve always been the timid/cryptic one who doesn’t particularly like to give much away, so letting someone else In is taking time, but its slowly happening. Its all that much harder when someone tells you once randomly in conversation in what they assume is a compliment: ‘you’re clumsy and innocent, you’re the type guys look at and want to fuck and then leave you’ yeah real nice, I don’t know any decent girl who would find that a compliment, that’s actually probably one of the worst things someone has ever told me and what sucks most is that I can’t ever forget that, word for word, its stayed with me, it kinda messes with your confidence and trust. But then again I guess he would’ve been the type that makes girls think all guys are dickheads.

So I’m slowly getting used to being close to someone, I just need a little more time. and I really hope he can wait for me, if he can’t I would actually completely understand and I wouldn’t ever hold it against him, how could i? he deserves to be happy. They say if you love something let it go... and if it comes back to you then you know its yours. I could never make him stay even as much as I’d like him to if he wasn’t fully happy. I couldn’t do that to him ever. If he’s not happy then I can’t be happy, but if him being happy means seeing him with someone else, I would smile as much as it would hurt me because I’d know that he was happy and with whom he was meant to be with. This is how I know I fully trust him, because his happiness matters more to me than my own. That’s how you just know.