so next year is gonna suck.
he's leaving.
i can barely go a week without seeing him and now i'm supposed to go months without even the smallest contact.
i'm not sure if i'm gonna be able to do that.
i'll be spending this new years knowing that 5 months + 1 month + 2 weeks + 2 weeks = 7 months.
so no matter what happens the most i'll be able to spend with him next year is 5 months. and thats not including whatever other course he might do.
this is gonna be such a great year -.- i think i may be starting to realise i didn't exactly think through this at the start. i was naive thinking it wouldn't be so bad.
if i could take back ever getting involved, in all honesty i probably would.
so i have a boyfriend but hes never there, like an ilusion.
And truth is, am i willing to risk my sanity for that long? i mean he's gonna be away and i'm still gonna be questioning the truth, its been too soon after it.
I know if i bring this up his solution will be to break up, i don't want that.
I just wish i could trust him.
he's going over with the girl who supposedly the texting incident happened and in all honesty i don't like that at all. i know its gonna cause a massive argument, but there's nothing i can do.
so am i really just prolonging something that should end as soon as is possible?
i don't think i can do this, but even worse i don't think i want to. after everything thats happened my trust is so shattered that i wouldn't be able to deal with it.
i have no trust. and it doesnt look like its going to be earnt back anytime soon.
i think the solution would be to be on break whilst he's gone and then see when he gets back where it goes. i mean we could still be friends.
and that way he can do whatever he pleases without guilt and i can have a peaceful mind.
lets face it, its not like these relationships really last. we've had a good one, its better to end it on a good note that over a cheating incident.
its not i don't trust him, i just don't trust her in the slightest or other girls, and lets face it he's a guy, if a girl is half naked, shes already half way there. he's not gonna reject her.
and i'll just be some girl waiting as a backup when he gets back.
i don't want that.
i should be able to live on with my life too.
AND wait, wtf. i don't even like the army. actually i have strong views against war.
i've been cool up with til now but if it came down to it, i would be the one completely against him in a war. i'd be standing there with giant peace signs. i'm so anti war its actually funny that i'm with someone who wants to do that for a living.
yeah its not gonna work. i hate war. i usually block out everything war related he says.
wtf why am i trying to change myself for something i dont even believe in.
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